Karin

What’s my life?

Karin

                Everybody knows that my older sister is the favorite. She can do everything. She’s dad’s favorite, she’s mom’s favorite, and even our little brother Lucas, is their favorite. Me? I’m just the family outcast. Human. Utterly human. I failed in Japan and floated through high school in America. I began cutting myself when I was 16. I dropped out of college after a semester, and I moved into a trailer park with a shitty waitress job. I quit that job and became a prostitute. Now? I’m locked away in my parent’s house and I make my mother cry. I chopped off my once long, and beautiful hair. Do I need help? Maybe. I just want to be happy, and feel comfortable in my own skin. I forced myself to throw up, so I’m considered “Unhealthy” and “Too skinny”. Clinical standards. My parents, and the doctor want me to go into therapy. I say piss on them.

                Maybe I should go back to school. I want to go away, and let my parents raise their new baby—all this stress isn’t good for mom. She’ll miscarry and then it’ll be all my fault. Stupid Karin, does it again. Sometimes it’s just hard to get out of bed some days. I’m not a pill popper. I have journals upon journals of writings. Everything I own is still at home; I pawned all my jewelry so I could make rent and pay bills on time. Why am I like this? Why can’t I be myself? What is that? Why can’t I just be happy? I’m not smart, I’m stupid. Then again, everybody is smart in their own way—but there are some truly stupid people out there. The money I’ve saved up from prostituting stays in my savings account. I only do rich clients and they pay me extra because they told me I looked pretty and put out. I want to move on from that life.

                The first step in recovery is admitting you have a problem. Do I have a problem? Prostitute. Cutter. Amateur anorexic. I feel myself yawning as the siren of sleep draws me into her song. I let her embrace me, and dream about nothing.

***

The next morning, I find myself waking to a room that’s full of the sun. It’s bright. Too bright. Step into the light! No, stay here in the dark. You should get up and do stuff today. No, just stay and lay here. No, I should really get up. Stay here and do nothing. No. I need to get up. So, I got up and I showered. Naked, I looked at my own reflection. I’m repulsed by what I see. Scars, all over my body. Too skinny. I go into the shower and stand under the hot spray. I shave myself, and consider cutting. No. I shoved that thought away and forced myself to focus on my shower.

                Once dried and dressed, I decided to check out the local universities. What do I wanna be? I asked myself on the bus ride over. What am I good at? Science? No. Math? Pfft. Forget it. English? Maybe. Psychology? Favorite subject in high school. Art? Loved it. Also another favorite. Psychology and art? I could do that. I got off the bus and I talked with an advisor. I know what I looked like. I know I can’t afford any of these schools I want to attend. Another dream, crushed and down the drain.

                “Where did you go earlier?” Mom asked me during dinner. All I had in front of me was a salad. I wasn’t even hungry. I’d just force myself to throw it up later. God, I’m fucking pathetic.

                “Got my hopes and dreams once again crushed” was my reply

                “Karin…”

                “I can’t afford anything” I interrupted her, “I’m too fucking poor to go back to school, I’ve lost any and all hopes of finding a good job. I’m just pathetic”

                “Karin, stop it” My mother scolded me, “You’re not any of those things”

                “I’m not Kurenai or Lucas” I snarled and left, slamming out of the house.

***

Why do I always compare myself to my siblings? We’re all different—unique in our own way. They got the smarts and I got the stupid part. Again, I just made my mother upset. Maybe I should just kill myself. Get it over with.

                No. I have to keep living, just so I can continue to be miserable. I had just enough in my savings account to pay for a semester of college. That’s all I have. Books are expensive. Apartments are expensive. Of course, my father found me as I sat by the pond in the park.

                “You’re not your siblings” was the first thing out of his mouth as he sat by me, “You’re you”

                “What is me?” I asked, “Some shell of a person?”

                “You used to be a happy child. Adventurous, willing to learn and soak up knowledge. Then we moved to Japan and it went south from there”

                “Why are you telling me this?”

                “You’re better than this, Karin. I know it, your mom knows it, your siblings know it, hell, deep down, even you know it”

I didn’t say anything because I knew he was right. I had a very happy childhood. I was content. Then we moved to Japan because of Kurenai and then I was lost. Should I blame my sister? I want too. I want to hate her. She’s the reason I’m like this. Then I think, no, it’s not. It’s nobody’s fault but your own.

                “Why do you even care?” I asked, “I’m just a nobody in our family. Kurenai and Lucas are your favorites and everybody knows it”

                “No, they’re not” He replied, silver eyes watching me, “You are my favorite”

What? No, that’s not possible

                “You lie” I accused, “Just to make me feel better”

                “No, I don’t lie. I watched you grow up. I watched you run around and laugh carefree of the world. You had hopes and dreams, aspirations of the future and you were so hopeful. Willing to help others. Always laughing. You didn’t have a care in the world. You were beautiful with your long, brown hair and your bright, curious and adventurous green eyes that made people notice the first thing about you. You had a big personality and you could make everybody around you smile. You didn’t have to try and make friends, you just made them. You could pick up any instrument and play it. You could draw anything you wanted—Kurenai even said you were better than she was. You have a natural talent for art that your sister doesn’t. It took her years to get to where she was at when she was a teenager.”

Really? Kurenai actually said that? I felt my eyes well up with tears. I went from that to this. What have I done with myself? Oh my God… I ruined my own life. I felt like crying. Oh, wait. I was. I was crying into my father’s chest. I wanted things to go back to the way they were. I felt so dirty and filthy. What had I become?

                “Are you just saying this to make me feel better?” I asked, suspiciously

                “No. I’m saying all this because it’s true. Ask anybody”

We stayed there until sunrise and when we drank our coffee, I knew that I had to get better. If not for myself, then for my family. But for now, I’m just focused on myself.

***

My parents told me they would pay for my schooling—it’s not like they’re hurting for money or anything. They’re richer than hell—which is funny, because my dad is the devil. Literally. His name is Lucifer. When I went to register for classes, I had a different councilor helping me;

                “What’s your major?” She asked me, smiling kindly

                “Psychology”

She wrote that down.

                “Minor?”

                “Art”

Again, she wrote that out. She handed me that course book as I picked out the classes I needed to take. My mom told me to take it easy, to ease myself back into going back to school. To me, art is therapeutic. I’m taking 3 classes—15 credits. I went and bought my books and went back…home.

                I suppose I should join therapy. Maybe I’ll get back onto the music scene… I’m probably rusty; I haven’t played since I was 16… Step at a time, I reminded myself.

                “How did it go?” Mom asked me when I returned.

                “Went fine” Was my reply

                “When do you start?” She asked

                “Tomorrow morning”

***

My first class was at 8:30. I was nervous, but I reminded myself I could do this. Think positive. I decided to wake up early and try and go running. I used to be super fit and healthy; I changed and left.

That was a huge mistake. I about died. That’s not a good thing.

***

                Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into a month. I was slowly getting back to my normal self. School was going great; I found myself a job as the DJ radio host for the school, and I’m in therapy. All my super small clothes don’t fit me anymore. My scars healed (Thanks to my dad. Who told me those were of the past. I asked him to leave a few, so I could have a reminder or two and he did) and I could wear shorts now. It was summer and I was taking the summer off. I found a job at a local radio shop—on high recommendation from my boss at school. I aced all my finals; I guess I still had it.

                I kept to myself most days, still wanting to be left alone than be around a huge crowd. I refused to go to parties, and I kept people at arm’s length. I looked at the acoustic guitar in the corner and picked it up. It didn’t need tuning, by the looks of it. I smiled faintly as I sat and played it. It was like riding a bike—once you learn, you never forget. I closed my eyes, cleared my throat, and began to sing. It was rough at first, but after a while, it was smooth sailing. Song after song, it all just came flowing out of me. Bursting, more like.

***

Jana woke up to hear her daughter singing. She almost didn’t know what it was. She woke up Lucifer.

                “What is that?” She asked, listening

                “I believe its Karin singing” was his reply as he yawned

Her daughter had the voice of an angel. To hear her sing again, it brought tears to her eyes. She watched her daughter transform. Sure, it took a few months, but she could tell she was happier even if she didn’t say anything. Her hair was growing back, even though she cut it off again. Just for the summer, she told them. It went quiet; she had watched Lucifer follow their daughter for weeks after she came here, protecting her from anything and anyone. They didn’t know where she was going, until Lucifer had come home to tell her.

                “She’s going to park”

                “What for?”

                “She just sits and waits for the sunrise”

She explained to us why she sat at that very spot to watch the sunrise.

                “Watching the sun come up, the crisp air, the quietness… It’s all very peaceful and in my chaotic life, I needed that. The sunrise was the only beautiful thing in my life.”

She would be leaving soon, to go watch the sunrise. Maybe she’ll go with her. Just maybe.

***

I watched the sky turn pink as the sunrise began to appear. A new city, a new state, it all has a new beginning. Once my siblings and I moved out, our parents moved back to the states. The house they got is huge. I looked up when a coffee cup was in my peripheral vision. Looking over, I found it to be my mom. I took the cup and took a sip, letting the warmth wake me up.

                “You should be sleeping”

                “I heard you singing”

                “I woke you up”

                “It was a pleasant surprise”

                “Sorry” I muttered

                “Don’t be”

We sat in silence as we drank our coffee (well, tea for her).

                “How’s therapy?” She asked

I didn’t reply for several minutes. Should I tell her?

                “She says I’m improving” I finally spoke, “I looked healthier. I’ve put on weight. School is going good. I got a 4.0”

                “You did?” She asked, smiling, “That’s great. Not bad for not being in school”

                “That’s what I said…” I replied, “I was thinking of switching my major…”

                “To what?” She asked, “I thought you loved Psychology?”

                “I do” I sighed, “It’s just… I love art and graphic design… I want to design stuff, not be a shrink. I couldn’t listen to other people’s problems—I can barely handle my own sometimes”

She knew what that meant. I still have my bad days. I still have nightmares.

                “Well” She began, “Talk to your advisor about it”

                “I already did before the semester ended”

                “What did she say?”

                “She said the school has a really awesome graphic design program. It’s hard to get into, but I submitted my work, and I should be hearing back before fall semester”

                “You’ll get in”

                “You don’t know that”

                “I know you will. You worked hard for this. The end results are always worth it”

I hope she was right. I wanted into this program.

                “I hear you on the radio”

                “You listen?”

                “Everybody at work does. They always laugh at what you and your co-workers are talking about. Like your father says: You’re naturally funny. You don’t have to try and I guess you haven’t lost your touch.

***

Mom is due in February. It’s fall now, and I forgot about the letter, until my mom was practically screaming at me from the front door. Dad and I went downstairs to see what the commotion was about.

                “What’s the matter?” He asked

                “Letter for you!” she thrust it into my hands.

It was from the program. Oh yeah

                “I forgot about this” I mused, opening it

Dear Ms. Conover,

            Congratulations! You have gotten accepted into Brooklyn Universities Graphic Design program. As you know, we only choose 100 applicants based on their work. We look forward to working with you when the semester begins!

            Again, congratulations on your success.

Sincerely,

Travis Witcomb

Board of Graphic Design

I looked up when my mom hugged me. I naturally stiffened as she pulled back.

                “I knew you could do it!”

My dad smiled, slipping his arm around my mom’s shoulders.

Today was the first day of school—again. Everything was going good—I got my school job back (I’d be switching between school and local radio between breaks).

                “Hey Karin!” Bobby exclaimed when I walked into the booth, “Ready for today?”

I just shrugged and put my bag at my feet and sat on the stool, headphones around my neck as I took a drink from my water. Over time, my running has gotten better and the doctor even said I was healthier.

                “I was wondering” He said, “If you wanted to go out for pizza sometime”

Bobby Anderson. 5’8, short brown hair and bright blue eyes. He’s on the baseball team, but works here, obviously. I didn’t say anything, because was I ready? It was just pizza. Maybe sushi would be better.

                “If we can do sushi instead, then fine”

He brightened up and nodded

                “Meet you there at 6?” He asked as I nodded once again

We were on live.

                “Draw me the first thing that comes to your mind” My teacher said, standing in the middle of the class, “You have 10 minutes. Go”

First thing that came to my mind?

                “Stop” She said after 10 minutes. She wandered around to look at each of ours, stopping at mine.

                “You drew this in 10 minutes?” She asked, picking it up, “This is remarkable”

I just shrugged

                “What is the title of it?”

                “Dreaming of chaos”

She showed it to the class as they murmured. I felt uncomfortable. I hated being the center of attention. Just breathe, Karin. I coached myself. You’re going to be okay. She moved on, thankfully, to critique somebody else’s work.

                “Wow, that was really good” a person whispered as I glanced over.

It was a girl. She looked about… 18 or so. I didn’t say anything.

                “I’m Emilee” She introduced, “I barely got in on the skin of my teeth”

I glanced over at her blocky drawing. Yeah, I can tell. I didn’t say anything.

                “You will do a collection of drawings” She went on to say, “They’re do on Friday. You will be given a list of what you want to do. There will be a project for the midterm, and the final will depend on how far we get in this class”

We went over the syllabus and then I realized I had this teacher for one of my art classes last semester. That’s why she didn’t seem surprised when she saw my drawing.

                “You may go. Ms. Conover, please stay”

I stayed behind as the class filtered out.

                “It’s nice to see you again, Karin”

                “Same to you, Professor”

                “Please, call me Alexis”

                “If it’s all the same to you, I would prefer to call you professor”

She watched me, a small smile on her face.

                “Alright.”

We walked out of the class together.

                “I am curious about something, though” I informed her as she looked at me curiously

Let it be said that Karin Sabina Conover was always curious. About everything. It got me in trouble a few times as a child. Like my dad said: I was very adventurous as a child.

                “Yes?” She asked

                “That girl who sat next to me. Um… Emilee, I think her name was”

                “Ah, Ms. Riggs” She sighed, “She was in my 10:30 class last semester. Poor dear can’t draw to save her life”

                “Then how did she get into the program?” I asked

                “I can’t tell you that”

                “You know me, Professor” I flashed her a guilty grin, “I’ll find out anyway”

She regarded me for a few minutes before sighing, lowering her voice.

                “It’s a trial basis. Her parents came in and complained, threatened to sue if their daughter didn’t get accepted”

So, threats. Emilee seemed like the type of girl that comes from a privileged family.

                “What if she gets kicked out?”

                “Then that’s that. Her parents can’t do anything. They signed a contract. Her dad is a lawyer, so he understands”

Interesting. I said my goodbyes and left for my next class.

I had a break, so I decided to see what kind of food the campus offered. Over-priced, it looked like. Meh. I can wait. I’m not hungry anyway. I filled up my water bottle, and headed to wait for my next class.

                When I got home, Kurenai and Lucas where there. I hadn’t seen them for a long while. I took a breath and headed inside. Mom looked over when I walked in.

                “How was classes?”

                “Fine.” I replied, making my way to the kitchen, “Met a girl who can’t draw to save her life”

                “Did you tell her that?” Lucas asked

                “No”

I made myself some leftovers from last night: Spaghetti, only in sandwich form.

                “You’re looking better” Kurenai commented, “Mom was telling us about you going back to school and getting accepted into the program. Congratulations”

I kept my back to her, gritting my teeth. I didn’t reply.

                “I’m going to be making dinner soon” Mom replied

                “I won’t be hungry”

I went upstairs with my food and shut myself up there for the rest of the night.

Jana watched her daughter go with a sigh. A hand rested on her bump as she watched Kurenai.

                “I guess she’s still mad at me”

                “She just hasn’t dealt with this part yet” She said, “Give her time”

                “I gave her years, mother” Her oldest said, “How much more am I supposed to give her?”

                “As long as it takes, Kurenai” Lucifer said, “You don’t know what your sister went through”

                “Besides” Lucas said, “She was doing find before we showed up”

Kurenai regarded her little brother. She knew he was right; it was her fault that Karin hated her guts. She forced her family to move to Japan, and that’s where Karin went downhill. No longer did she have the playful, witty, adventurous little sister. Instead, she got a depressed, angry, hateful one. She’d never forgive herself; when she saw Karin on the corner, it made her blood boil and they got into a fight. Kurenai knew she could have taken Karin, but when she said those hurtful words, she just left her alone.

                “You’re right” She said, “What are you making for dinner?”

                “It was going to be Karin’s favorite” Jana sighed, “But now…”

                “Make it anyway” Lucas said, “She’ll come around”

I smelt my favorite being cooked. It was extra meaty, extra cheese on top and extra noodles lasagna. It was so good. Dammit. I went downstairs when it was done.

                “See?” Lucas told them, “I told you she’d be down”

I didn’t know what they were talking about, but all I know is I got the first piece—and I made it a huge one.

Which was a big mistake later. I was throwing it up.

                “What happened to take it slow?” I heard my dad ask as he stroked my back

                “It was so good” I moaned, throwing up again

My stomach wasn’t used to me eating so much food in one sitting. Much less all the cheese and meat—it was all rich food. When I was sure I was finished, I flushed and crawled to the sink before slowly standing. I rinsed my mouth several times and splashed my face with water.

                “Your advisor tells me that school is going very well”

                “Yes, it is”

                “Kurenai saw your portfolio”

I left it on the coffee table. Why did she look through it?

                “Why?” I asked

I should have been angry. Instead, I felt smug. Smug because I’m better than her at something.

                “She said that you have an amazing gift, Karin. She also told us about when you two had your encounter”

                “Look” I snapped, “I’m trying to move forward and you people keep living in the fucking past!” I yelled, “Move the fuck on!”

He held me as I went through my fit. It wasn’t my fault. I hate this. Everything was going so good until Kurenai showed up. She just ruins everything. She just doesn’t want me to be happy. Then everything went black.

                “This place is amazing” Bobby said, “How’d you find it?”

I shrugged

                “I go for walks” was my reply

We had already ordered and I sipped on my water. He got a Pepsi.

                “What’s your major?” He asked

                “Graphic design. You?”

                “Sports marketing and communications as a minor”

Interesting.

                “That’s cool” I said, swirling my water with my straw

                “Do you have a minor?” He asked

                “Music”

                “Do you want to teach it?”

                “No”

Our food came as I picked up my chopsticks as we began to eat. It was good—nothing like Japan, but good nonetheless.

                “You’re hard to read. You’re very mysterious” He told me

I didn’t reply to his comment, but ate instead.

I walked around for a while. Nobody knew me here. I still couldn’t help but feel paranoid. I turned around and found my dad on his motorcycle. I got on the back as he roared home.

Emilee got kicked out of the program. Thankfully. Her drawings her horrid—and her dad couldn’t sue. That was amusing.

Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months. Mom was growing bigger every day and I was looking for my own place. I can’t live at home forever.

                “What are you doing?” Mom asked, looking over my shoulder as I looked at the classifieds

                “Looking for an apartment”

                “You can just live at home”

                “I’m not going to live at home forever, mom” I told her, “I need to be out on my own”

She didn’t say anything, but she sat down. It was December, and she was 7 months pregnant.

                “What area were you looking at?” She asked as I shrugged, eyes scanning the page

                “Something in the area, I guess”

She leaned back in the chair, rubbing her belly.

                “Nalla being active today?” I asked, circling a place

                “Of course” She laughed softly, “Just like you. You were an active baby”

I glanced at her before I stood and left.

Jana looked at Lucifer as he came back inside. He was covered in show as he shook off by the door.

                “Where’d Karin go?” He asked, hanging up his coat

                “To look at apartments”

Lucifer regarded his mate, head tilted.

                “She’s finally better, darling” He said, sitting next to her on the couch, “She wants to move out again”

                “I know” was her reply, “I’m just worried…”

                “I know, my love, I know”

Lucifer held his wife close and felt Nalla kick under his hand. Karin came back a few minutes later, taking her coat and boots off.

                “Did you find anything?” Jana asked

Karin shrugged

                “Yeah. 2 bedroom. It’s huge”

                “Where’s it at?”

                “Georgetown”

Her parents decided to live in DC. Why? She has no clue.

                “Georgetown?!” Her mother exclaimed as she sighed

                “It’s a condo. I have a steady job to pay for it, and I may or may not have a roommate. I met somebody today”

She was excited. He works as a Medical Examiner and works with local PD (or homicide). We met when she was on one of her walks and she may or may not have helped him figure out a murder. So, now she has two jobs—DJ radio host and ME.

                “Oh?” Her father asked, “Who?”

Oh. Right. She had to tell her parents who she met. She opted for a shrug

                “Nu-uh” Her mother said, “Spill”

She inwardly sighed and told them the entire story. Honestly, the look on her mother’s face was comical.

                “Honestly” She snapped, “You could be happy for me. I made a friend after living here almost a fucking year!”

She stomped upstairs. Honestly.