Mara

My dearest Mara, 

If you’re reading this, I’m probably dead. I'm deeply sorry for how I treated you. It wasn't right and you deserved better... when you left, I locked myself away into the demon counsel. Sleep avoided me until my body gave out. I figured that you would come back to me. When you didn't, I realized that I fucked up. But my pride refused to let me admit what a fucking bitch I was. I hope that you and our child will be happy. I left the house and everything in it to you. 

I know that you wanted to get married… But I didn’t want you to marry a monster who treated you like shit. I saw how hurt you were when I would come back smelling of other women and nearly verbally abusing you… I wasn’t ready for a mate yet. I didn’t know how to take care of another person. I joined the demon counsel when I was 17 and I had to shut down every emotion (except anger) and be mentally and physically strong. Then you came along and I thought that if I barked orders at you, you’d just take it and fight back. You were fragile going into our relationship and I just made it worse. I know it sounds like a bunch of excuses, but it’s the truth.

Our child will be just as beautiful as you are, my saving grace. I know that you tried to keep our relationship growing and strong, but I wasn’t very willing… I did love you, Tamara… When you left me, after a few days, I realized that you weren’t coming back to me… I sat on the couch and for the first time in a long time, I cried. I sobbed for hours, holding your shirt you forgot and your picture. Trying to hold onto the precious memories that we had made. I didn’t know what else to do so I drank myself to death.

I’m sorry to leave you behind. What I did was fucking selfish… Then again, that’s me, I guess. Live on for our precious child, baby. I’m not able to physically be there, but I will always be watching over you. If we have a son, name him Devril Lucian James…please? I will always love you. I’m just sorry I didn’t treat you better.

Love always and forever,

Ayva