Barney,
Every
time I tell you to leave, it hurts me more than you’ll know. You’ve made me
laugh again…You’ve made me smile again… I can feel the loneliness starting to
ease inside my soul as the warmth that was lost is beginning to come back.
I get
scared of that… Because no matter how much I wanna let myself go and be free,
something always restrains me…You keep the nightmares away… Yes, I get frustrated
when you question me during sex…Or you’re not doing something that I like fast
enough… I tell you to get the hell off me and when you slam out… It hurts… I
take a handful of sleeping pills to try to forget and try to ease the
loneliness…
I just
wanna be happy again…I wanna be the girl who didn’t get frustrated or angry at
the little things… The type of girl who once had friends at school… the girl
who hung out with her twin and went to the movies or played video games with
him…
I wish
I didn’t get raped…Or when I wore that dress…I almost got raped again… I’m
trying to move on… I really am… I’m trying not to let the rape control my life…
I like
my space… I like my “me” time… I like being up in my room by myself with a good
book… Just the idea of someone moving in on me… I get panic or anxiety attacks
and I hate them… I weigh 110 pounds right now… I used to weigh 115 or 120… I’m
not fat and I’m not over weight… I can fit into a size 13 jean and an XS shirt
(If I wanted).
I want a
lot of things… I wanna be the girl who spoke her mind… To be able to recite anything
of Shakespeare’s…whether it be his sonnets or plays… I knew it all.
What am
I know? I’m a shell of my former self. I’m trying to get back out there. I’m
sick of taking it a day at a time.
Adri
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