Mark

What you mean to me

                You… With your leather pants and your biker attitude… That’s what drew me in. Your badassness. Your “I’m know what I want, so I’m going to take it” attitude. You used to be so tough… You used to be one helluva lover… You used to sate me so good…Used to talk dirty to me, flirt with me… Back me into the wall, box me in and look over my body and smirk. I loved when you did that. Especially when you came in off the road and you were all hot and bothered, you’d find me, back me into the wall, box me in and start sayin’ how much you’d love to be inside me, making me scream your name… how hot I would look with my legs around your waist or my legs on your shoulders…I don’t know what happened… We got married and then you changed. I don’t know what it is about you, Mark…

                Back when you were wrestling, when your music hit, my heart sped up. I felt my face start to flush. I felt myself smile and I couldn’t wait to hear what you had to say. Whether you’re riding your bike down that ramp or walking down it. Seeing you in your ring gear… Leather pants, leather vest… Necklace… Sunglasses hung on it or on your head… Your bandana…

                I keep watching old matches of yours on YouTube… The backstage segments and I keep trying to remind myself why I love you when you treat me like shit. I know, maybe I’m asking too much. But hell, have I ever asked anything of you? Anything demanding? I don’t think so. All I ask is that you love me. I let you be you outside of the ring. I don’t hold you back, do I?

                Last night… I don’t know what to do. Should I stay with you and have another breakdown? Should I stay with you so that you can use me for your own personal punching bag? Should I stay with you so that you can leave me on my back for you to fuck? I don’t know what you want of me anymore.

                I want the old you back. Hell, so does everybody else. We all want the badass back. Not what we see in the ring… We just want you. You used to be cool to hang around. Everybody respected you. They were afraid of you. They knew who they could come to for advice if they needed it—weather it be on the road advice or just advice in general.

                Should I take a few days to decide if I wanna stay with you? Sure, I should… But I think I already know my choice. We both know that our bond has gone to shit before, but it’s always come back… But this time… Our bond is non-existant anymore… Like it doesn’t want us to be together. I know when you read this, you’re probably going to go all emo and take some midol. Or you’re going to get really pissed and blast the shit out of Kat.

                You need to stop doing that. What has she ever done to you anyway? She’s probably been the most devoted member of your pack… Trying to keep it together before we even met. Know that she met me, it’s my job to keep the pack together. (To give Kat a break). But I really don’t know what your problem is.

                We used to talk. You used to talk to me. Now all you do is snarl and growl. That’s not how a marriage works, Mark. You should know. I’ve given you everything. 7 years of ups and downs, (more downs lately). Through the happiness and the sorrow. Back when it was just you and me. Now, there’s other guys in the bond and you feel threatened.

                So… What? You make my life a living hell just so I’d stay with you? No, Mark. That’s not how it works. Yes, I hate sharing and dividing my love. I love you. You know that. I know I don’t say it enough, but I do love you. I know you wish it was just you and me again… Before everybody else came in.  But I’m not going to change just because you demand it of me.

                Maybe you’re thinking this is a “Dear John” letter… Think what you want.            

                I feel empty without you around. I feel like a part of me is missing. But at the same time, I feel like a weight’s been lifted off my shoulders and I can finally breath. I can get away from all this drama shit. I just want you to be yourself, Mark… That’s all I ever wanted. I didn’t marry some emo-midol-taking bitch. I married a badass. A man who takes what he wants and says “Fuck the consequences”. I married a man who isn’t afraid to do what he wants and he’s not afraid to tell you what’s on his mind.

                Like I said before… I don’t know what I’m going to do or what I’m going to choose. But I think I already have an answer… and that answer is….

From, 

Sam